Pain? Love.

May 24, 2012

This is prolly one of the things that I did not plan to write but just comes right out of my head and then I decided to write it.

Pain? I can't remember the exact feeling since I decided to entrust myself to God. Really. I do not actually know why, but my head, my memories are filled with laughter and joy. Oh, yes. I do remember the moment someone hurt me, insulted me, the reasons we fought, but not the feeling of pain and hatred. I don't know, but so much has been changed.

Hatred. Anger. Envy. Jealousy. Did they really go away? Yes, certainly, they did. I just don't know what happened to me. It's not that I pretend or that I am just covering and stopping myself from feeling such negative and dangerous feelings or emotions, but its' true, it's gone. They're gone.

Is it, Lord? Is it? Is it maybe because Your Spirit in me overpowers my soul? Does it? Does Your Spirit overtake all these unwanted and unwelcome emotions that they just slip away? Are You overpowering my soul that You just erase all these feelings that do ot come from You? If You do, then how grateful I am to be the one that You care for, How undeserving I am to be called Your child and experience Your awesomeness. 

I certainly am not capable of these feelings anymore. I've been trying very hard and giving my very best to cast and fight them away using Your name, Jesus. And now it's bearing fruit, because I am gradually being dumb of them. What I am just capable of feeling now are laughter, joy, awe and love and peace. Yes, I am loving people. But that does not mean that I am embracing the power of hurt over love. Love has something that covers up hurt, forgiveness, right? It is love that forgives all offences, therefore overpowering hurt. But what if, Lord, we do not love someone, I don't know, if you do not love someone, you will not be able to forgive that someone, because you are just not capable of, because of the absence of love in the first place.