Rewind

The crowd in my head

are pin pricks of memories

And you, well, 

you keep resurfacing.

Ditch the Negative

Remember when we had a conversation that almost turned into an argument? 

It was just our usual bonding that day, nothing special, we were talking about random things, him, him, our other friends, our hopes and dream cars, houses.. And then I heard something in your voice that I didn't expect. That intro...that tone...

We are that close, you know. Close enough for me to become familiar with that intro. Close enough to know what's next to that tone of your voice.

And close enough to guess it right.

There were a lot of times when your intro gives me a hint where the conversation is going. And usually after that, we just move on to other topics. We are like that, you and I, we are used to that and we don't mind.

You put you palm in your cheeks. And you breathed deeply. I looked at you. Totally different than the other times. It's something heavier and bigger this time, I thought. But still a part of me thought it's just the usual, or maybe you're tired, maybe it's another person.

I know the person you use that tone for, that tired, irritated way you deliver your stories. But I gave it a shot anyway. Maybe not her. No, not her. Maybe.

I listened, waited. 

And I was right in the first guess. It's her, your sister.

The difference, though, was that time, you mentioned her name like you were so upset, like you were fed up of her and you just have to tell me to let it all out.

You told me she was not doing enough in school. That, yeah her grades went up but for you it wasn't enough.

You told me she'd dropped your mugs twice that week, unintentionally, by the way. It woke you. You were irritated.

You told me she sings songs with the lyrics so wrong and still feels confident about it. It infuriates you. The nerve of her. 

I thought, how could that infuriate you. 

I listened.

You told me she doesn't do immediately what she's told. She is slow in washing the dishes. She annoys you.

You told me she can't understand some quotes sometimes. She is not familiar with Tyra Banks, with Ariana Grande. Channing Tatum doesn't fascinate her.

I wondered what's wrong----what you see wrong in your sister.

You told me a lot more things.

I still listened. With nodding and frowning.

You began babbling things I already know. I already heard. It shocked me. I thought that I don't wanna know where you're going with this. Not that I didn't want to hear it, but oh please stop. 

I wanted you to stop because you were bringing up your past arguments and disappointments with your sister, You brought things that happened one or two years ago. I thought my ears would explode. I wanted to shout at you.

You were getting intense.

You brought up some of our conversations about her. How she raises your temper without her even knowing. All the things she does that upset you.

I soooo wanted you to stop because it's not making sense anymore. This was not beneficial for us, for you, especially you. There's no good digging them all. 

You did stop. 

I inhaled that there-are-many-things-I-wanna-say-but-don't-know-how inhale.

I wanted to tell you to go easy on her but I've told you that already.

I wanted to tell you to understand her more so you'll know her more but you've heard that before.

So I told you she is your sister."You could live with her or live without her. She is living with you and all your hang-ups."

That got your attention. Your expression softened.

"You know what? Why don't you give her and yourself a break? Give her a chance. Don't you think that sometimes you are clouded by her mistakes and shortcomings that you forgot the little things she does for you? I mean, at least her grades are higher than the last quarter, right? is that too bad?"

You kept quiet..

"You were so focused on what she might do wrong that you disregard her efforts and the good things about her. Don't you notice something good about her? Why do you keep on noting her flaws and all negative about her instead of seeing the good things in her? Give yourself a chance, just one chance, to notice just one good thing about her despite her being her. I'm sure there's something good about her, right? She's not perfect, but hey, she's your sister."

You looked at me like you were looking for something.

"We all have negative traits, right? She lives with you and your failures, mistakes, shortcomings, tantrums, problems...."

You nodded. You stood.

For one second I thought you were gonna walk out on me, I felt nervous. 

You didn't.

Do you remember this?

It has been six months, I think, since we had that.

And I noticed since then that every time you mentioned her, you looked happier and more attached to her. You tell me how she covered you when you got home late one day. And many other things, she still sings the wrong lyrics, though.

By the way, in the past year, you never asked how I was. 

Looking Straight at Somebody Else's Eyes

Many times I would have loved it if I were looking straight at the eyes of somebody whom I was speaking with.

I would have enjoyed seeing their raw emotions, if there are.

My mind would have pondered in things that I have seen n their eyes other than the topic at hand.

I would have known or felt if what I hear from their mouths is parallel with what their eyes show.

The connection would have been deeper, closer and more intimate.

I would have known the sincerity or betrayal in what they say, or the confusion that they feel in those pair of eyes.

I would have.

Would. Have.

Only if during all those meetings and conversations, I was looking straight at their eyes.

But I wasn't.

Most times I didn't dare do it.

Partly because I don't care enough to want to see the feelings that are registered there. I don't really care enough to know if I am being betrayed, lied to, or what. I just sometimes don't. 

A small portion is because I don't want to give them the intimacy of a mere look in the eye.

Sometimes it gives me a hard time concentrating on what we are talking about. 

Looking in their eyes gives me a hint or maybe half of what they truly feel and sometimes I am just afraid of what I see.

Sometimes I don't do it because my mind is currently wandering. Going anywhere but the present. Or sometimes I just want the conversation to be over. 

Eyes distract to up to a point where it becomes unsettling and I just feel weak and bare and drawn.

So I don't do it....way back then.

A few years back, though. I've come to resolve that I will do it. I will look straight at a person's eyes. And I did.

The intimacy...I was right when I thought I would enjoy and like it. I like the feeling of being drawn---the transparency of what I see and discover in them. The things that are being revealed to me by just those two ball of eyes. The clear message that is stated there---though sometimes it's really hard to focus. It becomes hard to look at them for an entirety of a conversation.

I do it more often now because I feel like I just want to give interest and care, and to let the person know that I'm all eyes and ears to what we're saying---that my full attention is focused on them and not somewhere. 

I do it now because I am not afraid anymore, not of what I'll see in them, but of what they'll see in mine. 

Painful

You're so damn careful not to hurt them because you care for them that much. But they just spit words on you like you're a wall. You felt so funny you might cry.

I wanna run.

Sometimes I want to just close myself in my comfort zone; me, my world and my thoughts, and never go outside and then be hurt. Because when I do, it hurts so bad I want to run very fast that my heart will come out of my chest so it will hurt no more.

                                         Source: sunflowersunshines.blogspot.com

Just Don't.

Don't pretend that you care when not a bone in your body does.

Come on. Do yourself the courtesy of being true, even just to you.

Slip of the Tongue?

“I’ll help you when I get promoted.”

“Yes mom, I’ll wash the fans after this movie.”

“I will just be here for you no matter what.”

“No worries, your secrets are safe with me.”

“Yeah, we’ll receive a bonus next week.”

“I promise, you won’t be involved in this, okay? Let me handle it.”

Things we say we’ll do. Things we tell somebody. Things they hear from us. Things they tell us. Things we believe because they said so. Things they hold on to just because we say it.

We say a lot of things; things that affect people’s mindset. Sometimes it’s just a piece of cake for us to mumble or say long-term promises to others. Sometimes we say comforting words just because somebody needs them and we do not reallymean them. A lot of times we say things to make people feel secured without even thinking twice if we can do it. Sometimes we answer questions with a slip of a tongue.

Now when we hear our friends tell us a lot of things, we believe them, don’t we? We hold on to what they say and we hope that they don’t just mess with our heads. We change our expectations and we shape our thoughts based on what they promise because we believe it’s true. All because we trust them. And we just know when they’re joking or not, or lying or not. But either way we are affected by what they say whether it’s long-term or not.

When we just hear something from somebody, a small part of us thinks and weighs those things or sometimes we are not affected because we simply don’t care about them. And when we say things, we’re not sure if somebody holds on to it or believes it of just ignores it; not sure who are affected by us but there sure is.

Sometimes we think fast and honest, don’t we? And  we’re just eager to express things when we’re sure of them. We say things easily because they’re the truth. Or we promise things because we’re sure we can sustain them. Or can we?

Can we decide right now the things that are long-term or for a lifetime? We sure can, can’t we? But can we sustain it? That no matter what we encounter we’ll still hold on to that promise we made decades ago? Or we-can’t-even-remember-when ago. We sure we meant whatever we promise or say?

-was originally posted in wordpress Feb. 15, 2014

Relax.

Lego House by Ed Sheeran


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c4BLVznuWnU&feature=kp

Curled up in my comfort zone.

So many things I’m looking forward to.
Taking my time and just grasping and feeling and absorbing it all.
Being completely aware that everything’s gonna be a memory, though.
But still.