Looking Straight at Somebody Else's Eyes

Many times I would have loved it if I were looking straight at the eyes of somebody whom I was speaking with.

I would have enjoyed seeing their raw emotions, if there are.

My mind would have pondered in things that I have seen n their eyes other than the topic at hand.

I would have known or felt if what I hear from their mouths is parallel with what their eyes show.

The connection would have been deeper, closer and more intimate.

I would have known the sincerity or betrayal in what they say, or the confusion that they feel in those pair of eyes.

I would have.

Would. Have.

Only if during all those meetings and conversations, I was looking straight at their eyes.

But I wasn't.

Most times I didn't dare do it.

Partly because I don't care enough to want to see the feelings that are registered there. I don't really care enough to know if I am being betrayed, lied to, or what. I just sometimes don't. 

A small portion is because I don't want to give them the intimacy of a mere look in the eye.

Sometimes it gives me a hard time concentrating on what we are talking about. 

Looking in their eyes gives me a hint or maybe half of what they truly feel and sometimes I am just afraid of what I see.

Sometimes I don't do it because my mind is currently wandering. Going anywhere but the present. Or sometimes I just want the conversation to be over. 

Eyes distract to up to a point where it becomes unsettling and I just feel weak and bare and drawn.

So I don't do it....way back then.

A few years back, though. I've come to resolve that I will do it. I will look straight at a person's eyes. And I did.

The intimacy...I was right when I thought I would enjoy and like it. I like the feeling of being drawn---the transparency of what I see and discover in them. The things that are being revealed to me by just those two ball of eyes. The clear message that is stated there---though sometimes it's really hard to focus. It becomes hard to look at them for an entirety of a conversation.

I do it more often now because I feel like I just want to give interest and care, and to let the person know that I'm all eyes and ears to what we're saying---that my full attention is focused on them and not somewhere. 

I do it now because I am not afraid anymore, not of what I'll see in them, but of what they'll see in mine. 

Painful

You're so damn careful not to hurt them because you care for them that much. But they just spit words on you like you're a wall. You felt so funny you might cry.

I wanna run.

Sometimes I want to just close myself in my comfort zone; me, my world and my thoughts, and never go outside and then be hurt. Because when I do, it hurts so bad I want to run very fast that my heart will come out of my chest so it will hurt no more.

                                         Source: sunflowersunshines.blogspot.com

Just Don't.

Don't pretend that you care when not a bone in your body does.

Come on. Do yourself the courtesy of being true, even just to you.

Slip of the Tongue?

“I’ll help you when I get promoted.”

“Yes mom, I’ll wash the fans after this movie.”

“I will just be here for you no matter what.”

“No worries, your secrets are safe with me.”

“Yeah, we’ll receive a bonus next week.”

“I promise, you won’t be involved in this, okay? Let me handle it.”

Things we say we’ll do. Things we tell somebody. Things they hear from us. Things they tell us. Things we believe because they said so. Things they hold on to just because we say it.

We say a lot of things; things that affect people’s mindset. Sometimes it’s just a piece of cake for us to mumble or say long-term promises to others. Sometimes we say comforting words just because somebody needs them and we do not reallymean them. A lot of times we say things to make people feel secured without even thinking twice if we can do it. Sometimes we answer questions with a slip of a tongue.

Now when we hear our friends tell us a lot of things, we believe them, don’t we? We hold on to what they say and we hope that they don’t just mess with our heads. We change our expectations and we shape our thoughts based on what they promise because we believe it’s true. All because we trust them. And we just know when they’re joking or not, or lying or not. But either way we are affected by what they say whether it’s long-term or not.

When we just hear something from somebody, a small part of us thinks and weighs those things or sometimes we are not affected because we simply don’t care about them. And when we say things, we’re not sure if somebody holds on to it or believes it of just ignores it; not sure who are affected by us but there sure is.

Sometimes we think fast and honest, don’t we? And  we’re just eager to express things when we’re sure of them. We say things easily because they’re the truth. Or we promise things because we’re sure we can sustain them. Or can we?

Can we decide right now the things that are long-term or for a lifetime? We sure can, can’t we? But can we sustain it? That no matter what we encounter we’ll still hold on to that promise we made decades ago? Or we-can’t-even-remember-when ago. We sure we meant whatever we promise or say?

-was originally posted in wordpress Feb. 15, 2014